~Heartless~

In every relationship I've ever been in it was the guy who always ended it.. Nd it made me think like damn how could they be so heartless? I still dnt really understand it cause most of them go out n find some other chick n 9 times outta 10 I'm wayy prettier then them so ppl tell me lol but yea they find these other girls that are lyk not even on ma level n they jus magically fall in love wit them n it pisses me off, not sayin that you cnt find love n I dnt want you to be happy but I mean damn why the fuck weren't you happy wit me? I have a really coo personality, I'm nice, I give dudes they space cuz I need mines too, lyk I'm not clingy n I'm a hella cool female so boys have told me, so wtf if the problem? I jus dnt understand it. Nd I noticed that a lot of guys jus keep talkin to me because ima virgin nd they wanna take my virginity which is not gonna happen until I fall in love, that's lyk my virginity plan. Not gonna lose it until I fall in love, haven't fallin in love so I'm not giving it away to jus some random guy that likes me because then its not special to me like I need to be like sooooooo deep in love wit you before you get anywhere even remotely close to gettin in my skinny jeans lol. So this year ima sen10r in high school and I was thinkin about finishing off my senior year without a boyfriend so I can just focus on important stuff like finding a job and possibly graduating early if its in the cards for me but I don't know yet. I've been single for 9 months and some days nd I'm happy I guess I mean I'd rather be single then waste my time on a dude who's jus wit me so he can fuck cuz that's not even goin down homie lol. I've been thinkin tho maybe I should date a few guys not officially commit but date a few guys jus to have fun I mean there's no harm in that. But I don't know, I'm not tryna get attached to nobody cuz my feelings always get hurt and I'm tired of feeling the pain so I'm not gonna put myself in no situations like that. I was talking to my mom yesterday tellin her about one of my ex's and she's like it doesn't matter what happend with them in the past if they left outta your life then there must be a reason why they left so rite now jsu focus on school nd finding a job and in a few months then look for a prom date lol I was like yea I kno but even if I dnt find a guy to take to prom wit me ima jus go wit some friends. Ima jus be heartless like those guys who did it to me. Or maybe I'll jus stay single.. Idk I'll figure it out.

I'm tired of gettin hurt.

I am

I am Chauntill
Last name Porter
Second of four children
Unique in my own way
I am undefined
I am uncommon
I am underestimated
I am Shooting star shining through the night sky
When I shoot across the sky I feel so high
My past is distraught
My eyes filled with the tears
From witnessing years
Of abuse
Both physical and emotional
But I am strong
And leading the path I do now
I can't go wrong
My life WAS like a thriller movie
You could always guess what would happen next
But I've evolved like monkey into man
Now my days are
Random, spontaneous, unplanned
My life is like a box of chocolates
I never know what I'm gonna get
I'm like the Sun I will shine so bright
It will hurt your eyes to look at me
Who I've become is who I want to be
I am unique
I am unknown
I am ME!

A Good Friend!

I try nd try nd try 2 b a good friend 2 people but what do I get in the long run? Used, abused nd feelings hurt! My heart is so fragile that I need to watch out who I become friends with because it seems like 99.8% of the time I end up hurt without that person. Nd no matter how many times people tell me its not me, I'm not really sure what to think because its always the people who stop reaching out to me. Just about everyone who personally know's me know's that I don't do one sided relationships it needs 2 go both ways wheather we're just friends or if we're tryna b in a bf/gf relationship. When you get hurt a lot you tend to kinda shut yourself off from people in the outside world and try to just stick with the people that are close to you to kinda like protect your feelings because me personally I'm tired of tryn with some people so I'm givin up! You don't reach out to me? Looks like we just not gonna talk. You don't text me, call me or write me? I'm not gonna do it either. If I see you walkin down the street what will I do? I'm a pretty nice person when I wanna b so I'll stop to say hi but don't even bother askin what happend to me because you kno now that if I don't txt you or call you or write you its because you don't do it either! I'm tired of bein the only person tryna b the glue to hold all my relationships together if you love me in a friend way or romantic you should wanna talk to me, not sayin we gotta talk every single day or whatever but an occasional txt, phone call or msg on here is fine but dnt try 2 act like you couldn't get in touch with me because my cell phone number has been the same for some years, so if you call nd I miss it then I'll call you back, if you txt nd I dnt respond immediately then I prolly left my phone in another room nd trust me I'll get back to you nd even if I dnt get on the computer I'm always on mobile myspace so I'll check if you sent me a msg or comment but if you dnt reach out to me then I will stop reachin out to you plain and simple!

But a side note to all my real friends, I love you! You should kno who you are!
Micah is my bestfriend!
Natalie is ma dawg/therapist lol

Bad Day!

behind my tough attitude nd thugged exterior is a really nice person who has feelings jus as well as the next person.. I normally don't let people in but Ima let you kno how a not so typical day was.


Okay so on August 6th 2009 I was just feeling really down, I only talked to some of my friends but none of the ones I wanted to, nd I noticed that when I go without talkin to somebody that I normally talk to a lot I start havin a lot of thoughts nd I kno that I do tend to over think things and I try not to but its kinda hard turning off something that you've been doin forever its like a habit. I feel sad, I dnt wanna b around nobody I dnt wanna tlk 2 nobody but those specific 3 people they prolly dnt kno who they are but I kno nd I jus wanna talk to them if I talked to atleast one of them I'll b happy but doesn't look like that's gonna happen. I'm not normally an insecure kinda person lyk I kno who I am nd I'm very sure of myself but I get hurt a lot nd when I get hurt I jus give up nd wanna b alone lyk wtf is the point in tryn if your feelings always get hurt?

LOVE VS LUST PART2

Okay so in Love vs Lust part 1, I talked about my feelings for this guy and I was sayin that for the most part that I wasn't sure if wat I felt for him was love or lust? My friend Natalie read the blog nd this is here answer: "The reason why most girls get attached to guys after a sexual encounter is because everytime u do something sexual u release a chemical called OXYTOCIN. It is basically a bond between u & your partner boys release it too while sex. <:LuvHotcoCo:>" I learned about the chemical OXYTOCIN in health sophomore year nd I honestly thought it was a load of bullshit but now I'm not too sure. So I asked Nat lyk okay if that is so then why don't guys get attached? She said "Cause its basically like tape . If u keep using the same peice of tape on different objects IT AINT GON WORK NOMORE ! Lolx . Yea the same goes for prostitutes." I said "So you sayin once you get attached to somebody because of sexual encounters that you cnt keep gettin attached to different ppl?" "Yeah if u doin stuff wit one person your gonna keep the bond but if you bed hoppin then eventually u wont keep a connection with anyone even if u really want to." "That's understandable but damn man you thnk he was a bed hopper lol?" Shit im good ! Put that on your blog girl you gon get more followers lolx. But its sad to say but i kinda do think he a bed hopper, u know he flirty! Lolx." I believe her about everything that was about everything that was just said in the conversation like I knew he was a flirt but damn its kinda fucked up how I got all attached nd he jus still hoppin from bed to bed! Damn I guess that teaches me to not have anymore sexual encounters with guys I'm not in relationships with! I learned my lesson nd hopefully I won't make the mistake again! Lol

Jerkin

the niggas in this video was killin it!!!

LOVE VS LUST

VS

What is the difference between love and lust? I'm not even really sure if I know that answer to my own question. I am 17 years old, I'm single and I'm a virgin, who has had a few sexual encounters but no really serious "I love you" kinda relationships. There once was this boy who we will call "ole dude", he was the one who I thought I loved, we never officially dated but my feelings for him were through the roof, my close friend/therapist told me that it was just lust because I started having feelings for him after what I like to call my most fun sexual encounter. It was what I would call a typical freaky session minus the sex, we madeout, then he started kissin my neck and then came the part were I started to get "all hot and bothered" lol as me nd Natalie say, then some boob action lmao, after that he wanted 2 go down south and at first I said no because i've never done that before but when he just kinda started to go I said "okay" and omg that felt FREAKIN AMAZING! after the licking was over there was some fingering, Then we kissed some more and I sat on him and kinda grinded on him, then I jacked him off and my momma came home so the fun time was over! After that day it was like I got hooked on everything that he did to me and I felt like I wanted it all the time, Most people would consider that lust and I kinda did too at first, but as time went on I still felt the same and I still feel the same now and it has been exactly 5 months since the fooling around and I still feel for him! I want him to be mine. So because of this situation I'm conflicted like honestly I couldn't tell you if I was in "love" with him because I have never been in love so I'm not sure of the charateristics that prove that you love somebody. Statistics say the difference in love and lust are: Lust is more of a physical attraction to the person, like their face, body and not more of mental connection or trying to get to know their personality. I asked some of my friends what they thought the difference was and a boy I used to talk to named Trey said "Love is sumthing serious and u feel like killin yo self if u ever lost it and Lust is when u just wanna fuck and get dat pussy wet. Lol" and I agree with that. Natalie thinks the same but she says that "Lust is a strong sexual desire" and I believe that too because if you love someone you love everything about them if you lust them then its just pretty much like I love the way this person looks, I have sexual feelings for this person and its just basically wanting to have sex with them. Statistics also say that: Love is an intense feeling of affection and care towards another person, it is a profound and caring attration. On the other had, lust is a strong desire of a sexual nature( same as what Natalie thinks). Lust: a profoundly tender, passionate affection for another person. intense sexual desire or appetite. I finally understand the difference between love and lust, and to me love is the deepest of the deep feelings you have for a person, they can make you smile just by seeing them, its the feeling when your heart beats slower and faster at the same time trying to find the right speed because this person just makes your heart skip a beat when you see them standing before you, true love can make you not only have uncontrollable feelings for a person but feel as if they are apart of you, you guys become one! When your mad, they're mad, when your happy, they're bouncing off the walls, its like every emotion every feeling you have they feel it too because when you guys fell in love your bodies, your minds and all of it connected as one. Some people get confused when they think that they're in love when they can't go a day without thinking about a person, that could possibly be love but it could also be infatuation it all pretty much depends on the thoughts you have about that person, if they are sexual thoughts then its probably lust but if its more then you could be feeling something else. Now that I have discovered the difference and the meaning of both I have finally come to the desision that I could possibly be in Lust with "ol dude" but then again it could also be love because when I think about him its not always sexual thoughts they are feelings of wanting to be with him, I feel for this man but I just don't think he feels the same and if he does then he has a great way of hiding it. I know that it can be hard to figure out the difference between love and lust but you have to pay attention to the signs such as body language and what the person is telling you can be signs to wheather or not your assumtions are right so just pay close attention. Even though I figured out the difference between love and lust I still don't know if I'm in love or lust with "ol dude". The only way to find out is if I meet a new boy and I stop thinking about him then it was lust, and if I still feel the same for him even after I'm talkin to another boy then I know that he was my first love, but until then I still don't know. I really don't know if I love him. I tested my theory and I started talkin to this other dude who we'll call "rapper guy" now and I 4got about "ol dude" for a quick second because he was jus and experience nd now its time to experience something real but it didn't work because as soon as me n "rapper guy" took a talkin break my mind went back to "ol dude"! If you forget about somebody just that quick when you supposedly had strong feelings for them then it just shows that the feelings were temporary or that you were tryin to mask the feelings which I did so now my mind is back on "ol dude" nd its like I can't shake this guy no matter how hard I try lol so ima keep tryin nd if nothin works then I'll jus get the guts to talk to him but until then idk! I'll make a part 2 if i make some progress lol

itz tilly babii