Sunday, October 17, 2010

"You never realize what you got until its gone"

It seems like ALL my relationships end because of all the dudes have they own shit going on and they say they "Don't have no time for a girlfriend or relationship" trust me I've heard the same shit from ALMOST every ex boyfriend. Its the classic line "its Not you its ME" bullshit, but the thing about it is, I know its not me lol it really must be them

I'm a good person, a GREAT friend I'm the kinda person that I would wanna date, like I'm waiting to find the one person who's just like me on the inside but what I look for in a dude on the outside. When that happends I'll be thee happiest girl in the history of the worldd!

I want quality time, conversation that makes me laugh and smile not that makes me wanna shank myself, and somebody I can spend time with, we don't have to be doing nothing and I'm having a good time. Thats how I felt about the one I loved. The feelings that I feel for my ex is what I want someone to feel for me. When will it come?

I ask God for signs of what to do yet I still get NO answer or maybe I'm gettin an answer but not really paying any attention to it. I'm not sure what to do.

Maybe one day he will do like the rest of my ex's did and come back telling me "I love you Chauntill, I want stupid, selfish an ungrateful and I want you to take me back" that's what I want because I love him so much and I want him to love me too. I just feel in my heart that its not gonna happen... I guess that could be the sign I've been looking for,, who know's... maybe he will wake up one day and come to his senses and think "I'm stupid Chauntill is the one for me, she's sucha good girlfriend and she deserves the best and i messed up i need to apologize" that right there is wat im waiting for..

Weight Loss

BEFORE
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AFTER
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Not a huge change in my sight but its DRASTIC in the sight of others, I think all the weight I lost came from my thighss and my butt.
I went from being 145 and now I weigh 122.

I don't eat. I can't help it, My emotions take over my whole body like they control me and if stress is at a high then I don't eat. From early July til mid September I had been going back an forth to the doctors office gettin blood drawn taking urine tests getting ultra sounds an xrays for them to figure out what was wrong with me and they had no clue then they finally realized it was a urinary tract infection.

I never felt so awkward in my body through all the years I've been living. The boy I love(my 1st love) told me he wasn't sexually attracted to me anymore. Pretty much my new found skinniness made him sick to his stomach. Other people have been telling him I look sick and my head is too big for my body, I am already self conscientious enough without people saying bad things about the way I look.

I'm not sure if this is right to say.. sometimes I think if I was to get hurt and end up in the hospital would anybody come to visit me. I feel like I don't have anybody. even the one I love isnt here for me, I have been trying to gain weight but the constant thought of all the stuff ive been going through makes me sick to my stomach and not want to eat. Maybe I should talk to someone I don't really know what to do anymore

Laptop Love

I am in love! Yes and its true I'm in love with this new laptop I just bought a few days ago lol. Its a commpaQ nd I love it lol. I can now promise to post more because I have no job and I only go to school part time so yes nothing but time on my hands. More interesting posts to come videos pictures and all..

Sunday, October 3, 2010

Boyfriends, Friendships and Relationships.. ugh! :-\


If you have ever read my past blogs then I've posted plenty about my love life, since this blog is about me obviously... After all the love searching, then no searching something came to me. Little did I know it was ALL a trick, a lie, a plan to make me fall in love and surrender my virginity!

Thats what happend and sadly to say the shit worked!. It all started May 29th 2010 it was exactly two days after my high school graduation and me n tyrone(my bestie) went to the mall to meet up with my other friend mr.Anonymous. I was happily single at the time, not really talkin to anyone in that way I was jus kinda doin me. The conversation that i had with Mr. Anonymous that night had me thinking "Wow he's really letting me in and opening up he must like me!" He was so cute, sexy body and he just FIT what I was looking for. We went to my house after swimming and we were alone (my mom was on a date) while we were tryin to figure out how he was gone get home we were sitting on the bed jus lookin at eachother then he asked me out.

Yes I was a bit shocked by this, because it was our 1st time hangin out but something about it felt so right so I said yes.

Skipping past all the sapping relationship drama shit. Onto the good stuff.

Yess I am proud to admit I was a 18 year old high school graduate who was still a virgin waiting to give the prescious gift of virginity to the one who loved me! After a bout a whole month of dating(but 2 months of talkin) I loved him, the conversation Never got old, he made me laugh an smile when I was with him, about a week before the sex I told him I loved him. I wasnt sure how he took it.. I mean yes he had already said it but it was over the phone kinda thing so the day I told him I was in love with him was July 2nd 2010 and I specifically remember because that was the day I gave myself to him, mentally, physically, and emotionally.. In my mind he was "The One"

We had about 3 weeks of fighting and arguing then by July 25th 2010 it was over, we had broken up. I was hurt, but he told me that he just couldnt handle a relationship right at that moment but we could "be friends" me still being in love I accepted it.

From the time we broke up I lost count of how many times we hung out. We had been having the best times since the break up but something was still missing for me.

He says "we were friends" I say "we had the relationship without the title".. the BIG thing that killed the "relationship without the title" he got back with his first love/ex/possible baby momma. My heart literally felt broken there was a pain in my chest and it wouldnt go away.

Have you ever felt like somebody said something to you to piss you off jus to see your reaction? I believe thats what he did to me on Thursday this past week. It started with innocent conversation that he tainted with lies, an stories of sexual encounters with HER which I really didn"t want to kno.. he proceeded to tell me "You never meant anything to me, I never loved you, never will, you so stupid I got you to buy me stuff when I aint that stupid I would never spend my money on you, I had you cryin over me, it didnt take long to get in your pants either, I just used you as some pussy until i could get back with HER".


Painful words to read from someone who you claimed as your "1st love" from that message I decided that he was trying to purposely break me down and I wasn't having that kinda negativeness in my life. After saying what I had to say I deleted his number and pics and ALL 7,000 of our msgs exchanged between us. I was cutting him off.

I was used, mistreated and emotionally abused by someone who I loved! I loved him so much I wanted to be around him all the time, he was my bestfriend or so I thought.

I try not to trip on it too much now because he didnt deserve me yet I gave all of myself to this "man".

I know I'm only 18 but I'm a good woman! I've always been very responsible. I know that if I got a guy who treated me like a queen and loved me for who I truely am not for what I look like or what I could give them. I'm a sweet kind hearted person who jus wants to have fun without all the games. Im so easy to please all i ask for is quality time!

He didnt seem like sucha asshole when we were friends but now i know the truth.

I wish I could take it all back! All of it, the day at the pool, the 5 times we had sex, all the emotional conversations I want it back! I know its impossible but it would be really nice..

Word of advice make sure if your gonna date your friend make sure youve seen there true colors already.

Until I find a guy who's good and can provide for himself an have some goals, then I will remain Abstainent AND single!

He was a big waste of my time... I sincerly apologize to the female who ends up being with him forever.